Feel.

Emotions are a strange thing.
How does one explain their emotions?
I do not know.
That is why I do not aspire to be a novelist, or any writer for that matter. I am completely unable to describe feelings.

For example, here I am at 2:16 a.m.
I have nothing to be doing. (except sleeping) Yet, I am unable to get my brain to rest.
So when I got out of bed 16 minutes ago, I had the intent to write down my emotions, so that my brain would be cleared.
With this great intent came the inability to think of anything at all.

So then I decided to attempt to write a post on what emotion was, and how it defined our lives. But I couldn't. Because I had no idea as to what my emotion and feeling that led me to do this was.

Regardless of what it was I felt that I had much to think about.
And that feeling led me write a post that has absolutely no depth. Or meaning. Or any cohesiveness.


And it is because of this strange, continuous feeling that I have so much to think about.

--Kylie Anne--

A Different Feminist.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the divinity of motherhood. And how being a woman, and the beautiful calling that comes with it, is being constantly ripped apart.

 For this reason I declare myself a feminist. 

But, I am a different type of feminist than your grey power suit wearing feminist crying for equality with men.

 I am a feminist who takes the word feminine--which is defined as having like qualities as a traditional woman, including the appearance of beautiful--and applies that into action.

 I love the traditional woman. And I think that the power of the traditional woman exceeds that of the business woman. How? Aren't your mothers the ones that shaped you? Aren't your mothers the ones that helped you become who you were? It is so sad that today if you don't have a pay check, you aren't doing any good in the world. What about raising the next generation to be charitable, hard working, and believing in Christ and morals? Isn't that doing some good in the world.

 And below is my take on things. It may not be cohesive because I am trying to collect my thoughts about this. And, don’t be surprised if I post more on it. 

Think about the word mother. What is associated with it?

Teacher.  Nurturer.  Discipliner. 
Memories of my mom include:

·         Times when I couldn’t pick myself off the floor, and use my brain to think and my mom helped me realize crying isn’t going to help.

·         Many trips to and from dance, school, piano lessons, track, other various commitments I had. In one word: dedication.

·         Phone calls home from college about random things, more tears on my side. Patience.

Obviously I have a lot more memories of my mom. But, these are just a few.
I think that these words are beautiful.

Sadly, I think that the adversary knows that being a mother, or helping nurture, is one of the most wonderful things someone can do. It emulates Christ. So Satan tries to destroy the beauty.
Think of one of the most foul words. The F word. And what is used ever so often preceding it? Mother. In Russian, the word Mother is just a harder sound away from being the F word.

Furthermore there is this constant hum about how being a stay at home mom is easy. Now, I know I'm not a mother, but this topic is what got me so interested in this post. Yes, a stay at home mom may not be running from an office and doing all the other stuff a mom does. She may be at home making meals, cleaning, spending quality time with her children, and maybe even have some time for personal work. But a stay at home mom struggles with something else. At least in my mind she does. Can you imagine doing something that you feel is right and the whole world tells you that not only is what you are doing amazingly easy, but worthless? Can you imagine being a well-educated woman, ready to be proficient in the work force, but feeling that it is best for you to stay home with your children? Everyone seems to think that being a stay at home mom is life's dream, but they also seem to think that these women who dedicate their life to service are incompetent and unable to do anything 'real' in the world.

Now, I am not trying to say that I think that you cannot be a good mom if you are working. All I am trying to say is that the traditional woman, the one who stays at home with her child, is also a strong woman. You don't have to be a CEO of a multi-million corporation to be a woman of worth. And the world needs to start realizing this.

Like I said, this is more of just a bunch of thoughts racing through my head. But, maybe one day I'll write a better understood post about it.

-- 

--

Kylie Anne Martinez

extroverted.

(the beginning is written to myself.)

Remember how in Elementary School you had no friends? Well, you did. . But... Only one, and she was awesome. But she was also way cooler than you and in a grade below you. So, during recess you had no one.

And you really liked this shirt because it looked like a Kimono. But then the even-weirder-than-you girl wore it to school one day and that one boy you lovedsomuchyouthoughtyouweregoingtodie commented on the fact that you, Kylie Anne Bills, also had that shirt.

And then one day you found your name scratched into a post with a heart around your name and THE WEIRDEST BOY IN SCHOOL's name. But, he was actually your friend. But you were so embarrassed because all the cool kids made fun of you, so you started to cry, and found a janitor to paint over it?

I remember all of these things. And more. And maybe I should start writing funny stories about my elementary years. Okay: done.

But the point of this is: I used to be extremely introverted. Mostly because I was terrified that if I talked with someone I would laugh so hard I would pee my pants. Or sneeze so loud that I would have a handful of snot. Or maybe it was because I thought I was going to Hogwarts one day, and so I was superior to all my peers. Either way, I was introverted. I was happy playing with my imaginary wizarding friends, and reading books.

Then when I was in 7th grade I decided that the move from Draper to South Jordan was a chance for me to not be the weird shy girl. I took my chance and became: THE WEIRD LOUD GIRL.

I have been thinking about this as I see all these EFY kids out. I think to myself: oh my gosh, my parents must have been not only laughing at me but traumatized by my loud obnoxious behavior that came out of their once-shy daughter. I was mortified to think that I acted like these kids. But it also reminded me of how awesome life really was then. And how grateful I am that I am no longer too loud for my own good, and learning that you can have friends even if you aren't the craziest girl that occasionally snorted.

Snorted when she laughed...not snorting drugs.

Anyways: stay tuned for "Memoirs of Kindergarten"

--kylie anne--

I'm a Mormon.

New flash to almost no one: I'm a Mormon.
However, I realized that I have held back from publicly declaring my beliefs, not wanting to offend someone---or more correctly: from being scared that someone will think of me as ignorant.

But no matter what my beliefs are, someone will disagree. Someone will think I'm a hate-monger. Nothing I do will ever be right.

So why am I writing this post now?

I was listening to one of my favorite songs yesterday.
And I really listened to the lyrics that time. And I started to cry.
Not because my religion didn't "allow" me to listen to it anymore.
(Contrary to what many believe...our church doesn't dictate our lives, I choose to follow the standards.)

I started to cry because the song essentially defiled the Atonement. It denied it.
I cried because I felt the loss of hope people in the world have. Their was an absolute void of belief.

I can't listen to that song anymore. Again, not because my church came out and said, "Latter Day Saints  cannot listen to that song." But because the Atonement is so sacred to me, and I have such a strong faith of it that it hurts me to listen to it.

Maybe it was a good thing for me to realize these lyrics--it gave me that push to proclaim my beliefs.

I am a Mormon. I believe in the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.
I have a faith that is occasionally wavering, so it leads me to search and decide for myself. I am not ignorantly following teachings because I have never known anything else. I choose to live according to the gospel because I feel--deeply--that it is what I should.

I know that we had a life before this world, and have loving Heavenly Parents who only want the best for us. Although trials come and it is hard to believe, it is only to humble us and help us turn towards Him. I believe that families are eternal, that Chad and I will be able to love each other for a time unfathomable to me now. I have a faith in the doctrine in the Book of Mormon, and that the principles taught within it are easily applied to my life now. But, I also know that the New Testament and Old Testament contain true records of the lives of prophets. I believe in the divinity of motherhood, and the sanctity of marriage, that marriage should be only between man and wife. But above all this: I know that God loves us so much, that He sacrificed His Son--Jesus--to atone for us. And He did this so that our sins can be lifted, if we but repent. But included in the atonement I know that Christ has felt our pain and knows our sorrows. And if we turn to our Heavenly Father he will help us with our trials. Although the trial itself may not feel to have been lifted--the heaviness will feel lighter. We are children of God. We can live with Him and our families again.
This is my testimony. I say these things in the name of Jesus Christ--our Savior and Redeemer, amen.

With Love,
Kylie

Random Bout of Words.

After so much great feedback on my story about marrying Aladdin, I spent WAY too much time trying to make other parts of my life an analogy to some other character.

The furthest I got? Well, I didn't find anything really. But I really really wanted to relate someone to Gumby. Why Gumby? Because look at his name. Gumby. I giggle everytime I say it. Say it out loud and it will change your life.

And then I started to think more about what I would write about if I were to write a series of posts. (About the same thing, obvi.) And the only thing I could think of reminded me too much of the movie Mean Girls. Now, it wasn't really going to be like the Burn Book. But, it was more like... these letters that I write in my head to people when I see them. Mainly about fashion. Or about how they are talking about girls, or nerdy things.

And then I thought. Shoot, girl. You're a beast.

 [which lately is being used as a term of awesomeness, but i don't find anything awesome about a beast. because the adjective words for beast sound so...gross. i mean, come on? Bestial.]

So then, I thought. Why not do a whole post on how I'm like the Beast in Beauty and the Beast. But, I couldn't bring myself to relating myself to a man trapped in an animal's body, who falls in love with a woman. Because, well, I'm a woman.

So now I am just randomly spurting out words that--miraculously--are semi understandable. And, I have a useless blog post. But, hey...can anyone blame me? I've been alone in my home for like 4 days. Totally not cool.

Bye bye,

Kylie Anne.

We've All Gone Crazy.

You know, sometimes you may think your family is normal. When you sit down to dinner, eating a classic american meal. And have table conversation.

I'm not sure I recall a time like that. Ever.
Especially now.

I mean, if you are fighting with your husband over "what it is really all about," you would think it would be more along the lines of,

"life is about living to your fullest potential and having fun." and me coming back saying, "i disagree. its about serving others, and bettering yourself."

It goes more like this in our home.
"John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt. That's what its all about." (Sung in a Sean Connery accent, to the tune of John Jacob Jingle Heimer Schmidt.)

And then I interject quite sternly, "Babe! That isn't what it is all about. Its the hokey pokey."

Needless to say, this is not the weirdest conversation Chad and I have ever had. However, I just wanted to know, what do you guys talk about while at the table?

Also, remember that time I actually posted what its all about?
And I got all deep about how the Hokey Pokey is really what it is all about? Well if you weren't awesome enough to read that post, please read about how knowing this dance can help you with a great analogy to life. Link to Hokey Pokey POST.

Kylie

I Married a Sultan

Remember that one time you dated this guy?

and you were like, man. you remind me of a used car salesman, with your slick and cheesy words. and then he was all, "i wanna be a politician one day.' And you thought, "dude. have you ever read George Washington's Farewell Address? Cuz wanting to be a career politician does not scream America to me. It screams, schemer."

But then it was all okay, because you ended up marrying this guy?

and I mean, lets be honest... going from slick cars salesman to a thief that lies to a pretty girl's face so he can date her, and ends up marrying her even though he COMPLETELY lied about who he was is way better, right?

Okay, so I didn't actually marry a thief that ended up lying to me about being a Prince. Nor did he greet my parents riding an elephant, or have a pet monkey. Two things which I regret. But, I don't know about you, but when your co-workers ask you what your husband looks like, I find it easiest to say, "he looks like aladdin wearing surfer punk clothes." They always can point him out immediately.

i mean, look at this:

I however, do not claim to look like Jasmine. 

But, I'm pretty sure our first kiss did look like this:

Okay, okay. I'm kidding.
But, honestly. Chad even used to have the long hair like aladdin:
And with this hair, ladies and gents, chad had a whole new world.

Okay, i'm guessing Chad is thoroughly embarrassed.

-Kylie

(i don't own the rights to the aladdin pictures.)